This is my x-rayed maw.
x-ray [eks-rey]
-noun
1. Physics. a form of electromagnetic radiation, similar to light but of shorter wavelength and capable of penetrating solids and of ionizing gases.
-
2.an examination
I have never in my life studied philosophy. And so, when I found myself in the midst of a full borne existential crisis, I had no idea what was happening. It all began with a simple discovery that shattered my long held belief that I was, in fact, a special little snowflake. From there, this snowflake snowballed. I came into crisis quickly and through a convergence of unrelated epiphanies: 1) a resolute rejection of all theistic structure, 2) the realization that my life may not, in the grand scheme of things, actually matter, and then, most importantly, 3) a revolutionary and life-altering discovery on Myspace.
I used to be this happy humanist, moving through life secure in my understanding of person-driven purpose and the scientific method. When you are surrounded by people who love you, you exist in a cocoon of affirmation. It made it easy for someone as dynamic as myself to continue consistent metamorphosis. Cradled by family and friends, I faced a world that, although not always in agreement with my life choices, at least offered validation of them. People cared about what I did; my actions had equal and opposite reactions.
Moving from a hometown to a big city turned my cocoon into a vacuum. I no longer had a surround-sounding board for anything that I thought, or said, or did. Everything that I tried to put out into the world was sucked from me lightning quick, spinning into the abyss without reflection. What does it mean that I work a shitty day job completely unrelated to my degree or interests? Should I apply to graduate school or should I make a baby? And do these shoes match this outfit? I HAVE NO IDEA HERE!
Anomie is a sociological term that describes an increasing state of psychological normlessness: the degradation of personal norms and standards. Becoming less stable, less normal.
And apparently, to most people, this is a *bad* thing. But ‘phsychological normlessness’ seems to describe the dynamism that I have always strived for. And this, where I found myself in this crisis - this was the opposite of that. I was stalling in stability, steeped in the mundane minutia of the daily grind. I was, essentially, stuck in a metaphysical rut. It was the antithesis of Anomie.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. Before I became mired in norm, I realized that it is okay to admit that there is no God (thank you Damian). But before I was liberated by atheism, I was struck with a sense of insignificance to my life. But before I was freed from that bodily stress . . . I joined Myspace.
Hello, my name is Sayward, and I am addicted to the internets. According to the American Psychological Association, this addiction is shared by millions of Americans, and is on the rise. It’s okay though, there’s plenty of other unique things about me that make me a rare and precious flower. My autograph, for example. Hello, my name is Sayward, and I am not wayward, I was not born in Hayward, and no, I will not ‘say a word’. You can tease me all you want, but I am secure in my perception of ‘me’, because I got something you don’t got: my *own* name. It’s been ingrained into my psyche for my entire life, inextricably linked to my sense of self in relation to the Universe. “Hello, my name is Sayward” “Sayward – wow, I’ve never heard that name before” “Yeah, no one ever has. I’m the only one!” I’m the only one, and that’s just the way I like it, thank-you-very-much.
There are four members of the Myspace group entitled, “HELLO, MY NAME IS SAYWARD”
This is our Group Leader, ‘sayward’.
She likes bird watching and the movie
You’ve Got Mail. She lists Anne
Coulter under her general interests,
and I cannot tell if it is meant to be
ironic. Apparently, she also enjoys
playing games. She is 29 years old;
Scorpio; married.
Then there is ‘Sayward’ (uppercase).
The song that began playing when I
clicked on her Myspace was a cover
of Peter Frampton’s “Ooh Baby I Love
Your Way”. She has three kids and
appears to be a nurse. It seems like she
sincerely loves her life. Age 30; cancer.
Next up in our little group we have
‘xSaywardx’, who’s Myspace page is
not very indicative of who she is as a
person. She hails from England, is
21 years old, and is a mum. She
likes girly and scary movies . . . and . . .
yeah not much info here. Aries.
Lastly we have ‘Sayward Shea’, with
a heavily customized Myspace page.
She is 24 years old and in college,
and she seems to have a pretty keen
sense of humor. Apparently very liberal.
Single; Leo; decent taste in music.
And so then, what could be the fat, juicy red cherry on this identity-warping fiasco? Not only are there four other Saywards on Myspace, but there is actually, truly, I’m not shitting you, another Sayward in Portland. I met her.
I think Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club, said it best:
“You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile. . . . you're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself . . . You're not your name . . . You're not your problems . . . You're not your age . . . You are not your hopes.”
So what’s a girl in the throes of a quarter-life crisis going to do?
i quit my fucking job
This is Sayward Rebhal. She works at Trader Joe’s. Scientist, writer, and urban farmer extraordinaire. She is 27 years old, Aquarius, and married.
Now, Expect Great Things.
